


The Path that led to you

by Violet26



Series: Because of You [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2018-12-06 11:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11599590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violet26/pseuds/Violet26
Summary: Months ago they talked about marriage. Leonard didn't want to get married again, old scars turned him away from the idea. Jim, (despite being a little dissappointed, he had never considered marriage before he started dating Bones) was understanding,  he was happy as long as they were together. Now, Leonard is preparing to propose. What changed his mind? Does Jim still want to get married, will he say yes?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to my story "Practice Run". It can be read alone but there are spoilers in here for that story. So, if you want to read that one you might want to do it first. It might be turned into a series because I actually have a third story in mind.

_The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever”_

  **Nicholas Spark**

 

Leonard fiddled with the small box in his right side pocket for about the hundredth time that day. His nerves twisted tightly inside of him as he paced the floor. There was plenty of noise in the background, he was certain of that, but he didn't hear anything past the pounding of his heart and the thoughts that mangled in his head. “I can't do it. This was a mistake” He ran hand through his hair and swallowed hard. “No, I can do this”, “It’s going to be okay." He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. “I think I'm going to be sick." He was so wrapped up in those thoughts he almost didn't hear Scotty call to him.

"You're gonna wear a hole in the floor Doc.” Scotty shouted from the other side of the room.

“Given the thickness of the floor and that it is crafted from some of the strongest alloys known to Star Fleet, I hardly feel that is a possibility Mr. Scott.” Spock stated matter-of-factly from his spot next to lieutenant Uhura.

Leonard stopped mid-pace and turned to glare at the Vulcan, eyes narrowed. He had a reply on the tip of his tongue but, upon feeling the twist in his stomach return, he settled for a sigh and continued pacing. Uhura had giggled at Spock’s comment, obviously finding it charming or something, so he'd just let it go. He had bigger things to worry about.

Leonard paused his pacing once more when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. “It'll be okay.” Nyota’s warm voice spoke up. He sighed loudly. It felt like that was the only thing he was capable of doing at the moment, next to pacing. He stepped away from her and walked towards the nearest wall. With his back to the wall he slumped against it, tilting his head towards the ceiling. “I don't think I can do this.” He slid down to the floor then closed his eyes and rested his arms on his bent legs. “Of course you can't do this! Why would you want to?” his treacherous mind snapped at him. Leonard felt the nausea return. He rubbed his sweaty palms against his pants before resting his face on them. He tried to quell the voices but it didn't work. “ You did it once and look at where it got you! “

* * *

_Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings._

**Anaïs Nin**

 

Leonard was done. He was done with women, done with dating, done with his current life and, perhaps, done with life itself. He boarded the shuttle to his future or (more likely) to his death with little on his mind other than how that death would occur and the thoughts of what brought him there in the first place.

He had loved her, his ex, perhaps he still did but he wasn't about to say that aloud. Leonard had loved her and had tried to do everything possible to show her that. He had worked his ass off to give her gifts, a beautiful house and a nice car to drive. They had a lovely daughter together and a hopeful future. But, it hadn't been enough for her, never enough; “You work too much”, “You should pick up a few extra hours”, “You're so clingy.”, “I'm just looking for a little attention." It was always the same song and dance and he had thought about leaving a number of times before she even began sleeping around. Before he could though she took that away from him too, the choice. Why did he wait? Why did he give her that opportunity? Because Leonard did his best to keep his promises and he had made a promise to her years prior, “till death do we part”.

Leonard had his shortcomings, of course he did. He worked a lot ( too much at times), grumped about the small stuff (like the idiocy of human beings) and tended to bottle up the rest of his emotions. There were others too but those were the ones she usually complained about. He hardly thought they were enough to turn the lovely young girl he had fallen in love with into the spiteful woman who hooked up with someone else and kicked him out of his own house. How had it been enough to turn the warm, caring, strong and independent woman he'd given his heart and soul to into the hateful She-demon who took everything from him except the clothes on his back and bones in his body?

The answer to his questions eluded him along with the answer to the question of how he could have gotten stuck with such a worthless lawyer during the custody battle.

The “bitch” spun a web of lies that included him working all the time and drinking just as much. He worked a lot because he was a doctor but it was hardly all the time and it was for her, for them, for their daughter. He worked to provide them a good life. The drinking too much didn’t come until later, not until their arguments began to turn nasty. Then there was the part where he didn’t have a permanent home, which was her doing too. All that lead him to not having anymore than every other weekend with his daughter and that was under supervision. Some government employee watched him talk to and visit with her as if he were a criminal.

Leonard had loved his ex and loved their daughter and had done everything he was able to do to show it but that wasn't enough. Nearly everyone believed her stories and he was left with nothing.

His mother, she was the one person that believed his side of things. It had been after a long tear-filled talk that she told him she understood his decision to leave and that she'd make sure he'd have a chance to talk to Joanna on his weekends. Okay, he decided, he wasn't down with all women.

So, with his last tie to Earth (aside from his mother) ripped from his hands, Leonard had boarded that shuttle. He was certain of two things at that moment; they would most likely die before they reached the academy and if, by some miracle, they actually made it there alive he would never give his heart to anyone again.

* * *

 

Nyota glanced down at her friend. “You can do it and everything will be okay.” she said, reassuringly. Leonard didn't say anything, he merely nodded. Uhura knew he didn't believe her but knew he would in time. She just hoped it would be before the captain showed up. “We have to go before the captain becomes suspicious” she nodded towards Spock. “But you know where to find us if you need to talk.” She smiled sweetly and he nodded again.

With Spock and Uhura gone it was just Leonard and Scotty remaining in the room, the latter was on the other side of it and was busy with the surprise Leonard had asked him to set up. So, Leonard was left alone with his thoughts. They took him back to the time when he had met Jim, when they became friends, the moment he fell in love with him and some of those moments in-between. All the milestone moments that led him to this day danced through his mind.

* * *

 

He had boarded the shuttle and been nearly manhandled into the seat next to some bruised and battered looking kid by a woman who was a lot scarier and tougher than she looked (not that Leonard would ever admit to thinking it). Had it been another time, another day, Leonard might have noticed the young man's shocking blue eyes, his charming smile and an amazing energy. As it was, all Leonard noticed, through the haze of fear, was that the kid looked as he felt. Maybe Leonard was done with dating but a friend might not be a bad thing and maybe the kid could use one too. He offered him a sip from his flask. It turned out that one act settled something for both of them and, upon arrival at the Academy, they became fast friends.

As time wore on and Jim and Leonard’s friendship grew, Leonard did begin to notice the things he missed when they met. Once the cloud that had lingered around him after his divorce began to lift, Leonard noticed the bluest eyes he'd ever seen, a young, handsome face, a slim, lightly muscled body and boundless energy. It surprised him to say the least, he had been attracted to men before but never like this. There was something about Jim, something that drew Leonard in. It was something beyond words but whatever it was he couldn’t get enough. It constantly lingered in his mind but, they were friends, and because of that he fought hard to ignore that something.

Eventually he realized that he couldn't deny it; he wanted his best friend, badly. Of course, admitting it to himself didn't mean he had to admit it to anyone else. Leonard wasn't ready to try to change the relationship he had with Jim (at least that's what he told himself) and he was certain Jim wasn't ready for that either. So, despite having to deal with some inappropriate thoughts he tried hard not have, Leonard did his best to move on.

_I no longer believed in the idea of soulmates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together._

**Lisa Kleypas, Blue-Eyed Devil (Travises, #2)**

A few years later, after they began their first five years aboard the Enterprise, Leonard’s friendship with Jim did change. It was one of those things that just happened one day, rather unexpectedly. They had planned a date for Spock and Uhura (Jim’s idea), gone on a practice run (also Jim’s idea) during shore leave and by the end of their 'date' they realized they were in love. Jim claimed, some time later, that he had realized he loved Leonard a year or so before the date even happened. If he were honest with himself, Leonard would say he knew he was in love prior to the date too. They confessed their feelings to each other, shared their first kiss and fell into bed together, grasping and clinging to each other throughout the night. Things continued to progress quickly from there. Neither of them cared. They had wasted too much time already and (with the way some of the away missions went) they weren't going to waste anymore.

The change in their relationship seemed surprisingly natural. Things weren't perfect, they hadn't been before, but Jim and Leonard just seemed to fit together in a way neither expected. For Leonard he found something in Jim he hadn't even realized he had been missing, something he never had when he was with Jocelyn. It wasn't something he could explain exactly. The best he could do is say that with Jim he knew he could be himself, he could just breathe. There was no reason to try to be something he wasn’t and he didn't have to try to impress him or feel the need to impress anyone else.

Jim gave Leonard his space when he needed it instead of trying to dig answers out of him. He let Leonard just hold him after a long day without questions or thinking he was trying to get something more. Other times Jim would pull him in for a hug and cling tightly to him as if he were afraid Leonard would leave otherwise, those times made him feel needed (though he hated the idea that Jim still thought he would just leave like that). When Leonard tried to say it was nothing when asked what was wrong Jim would tell him to; “Cut the crap Bones and tell me what's bothering you.” Jim seemed to have an instinct for knowing which times to back off and when to push forward. They were so different in many ways yet they fit together like pieces of a puzzle.

Leonard and Jim didn't really have fights, for the most part. They had disagreements more then anything that actually counted as a fight and both admitted that maybe some of them happened because of the makeup afterwards. However, on very rare occasions, there were actual fights, ones with cruel words and angry shouts. Those fights left them both hurt for days. One in particular, Leonard remembered, was one their worst;

_“When have I lied to you Bones?!” Jim spat, standing only feet away and glaring at his lover. “When?” he questioned angrily. Leonard growled in frustration and annoyance. He knew, deep down, Jim was right but it didn't help. He felt hurt and betrayed._

Both of them had a tendency to flirt with others. It wasn’t often and most of the time it was just to brush the ego of some new species; some ambassador or dignitary. Plenty of times they did it right in front of the other and usually neither of them cared. They trusted each other. They knew that nothing would come from it. It was flirting, nothing more. Occasionally though, jealousy would kick in. Those were usually the times when the other party mistook their intentions and they had to back away and try to clear up misunderstandings. But sometimes, they each got a little too flirty. Either way it almost always ended the same.

On the occasions when Leonard did come on too strong with his flirting he'd be led away from the crowds with a possessive arm around his waist (as tactfully as Jim could manage). Jim would wait until they were back in their room aboard the ship. Then, without words, he'd take his lover. It would be slow yet bruising, torturing for how drawn out he'd make it and would leaving Leonard begging for more. There would be no apologies for how hard he'd push Leonard against the nearest wall, for how rough he'd thrust into him or the bruises and marks made with lips, teeth and nails. Leonard (as wrong as it may seem to others) loved each moment. He would limp into sickbay the next morning, not even caring that nurse Chapel seemed to have a knowing smirk on her face each time.

When Jim poured it on too thick Leonard waited until he was alone. He then dragged his young lover to the nearest semi-private room and whether it was against a wall or bent over a piece of furniture he would fuck him quick, hard and with a possessive need, not caring who might hear. It always left them both breathless, sweaty and completely sated. Once he straightened himself out and made himself presentable Jim would return to whatever event they were at as if nothing happened. No one ever seemed to notice anything, even if Jim usually walked awkwardly after. No one except Spock, who would give both men an odd look and an eyebrow raise.

This time had been no different. Jim hadn't done anything that they both hadn't already agreed was alright. He had complimented and smiled his most charming smile, that's it. But something inside Leonard had snapped. An old wound was reopened. It had led to the two arguing the minute they were alone in their quarters.

_“I'm not Jocelyn!” Jim shouted. “And it's not right I pay for what she did!” Some of his anger drained from him and was replaced by hurt. “And you know it.” Jim sighed dejectedly as Leonard said nothing. The fact he wasn't even going to fight back pissed him off all over again. “Fine!” he snapped and turned to leave._

_When Jim reached the door he paused and rested his forehead against the cool metal. He drew his fisted hand back and punched. Pain quickly shot through his arm. “Fuck!” he cursed loudly and grabbed his bruising and most likely broken hand._

_Leonard’s head shot up at hearing Jim’s cry. Seeing his lover clutch his hand he ran over to him. Jim allowed him to examine his hand without hesitation. “Damn it, why’d you do that? “ he questioned gruffly._

_“Better the door than you” was Jim’s meek answer._

_Leonard shook his head and pulled him in, wrapping his arms around the warm, familiar body. They rested their heads on each other's shoulders. “We're not alright.” Jim whispered sadly. Leonard nodded his agreement the best he could. “We will be.” Jim assured and again Leonard agreed. “Let's get you down to sickbay darlin.”_

A few days after that Leonard began talking to the ship's counselor. It was the first time he ever saw one, aside from the counseling for PTSD Star Fleet required everyone to have following events such as those that happened because of Nero and Kahn. He had always refused when Jocelyn had suggested it. This time it was his choice though, and he thought perhaps that was the reason he was more willing, that and the fact that he wouldn't lose Jim like he had her. It took a few more weeks before they eased into their normal routine again. As strange as it sounded, they seemed to grow stronger from the experience. The flirting didn't stop completely but both were more careful, more considerate of each other. Things began to fall into place once more.

Some months and much thought later Leonard decided to do something he promised himself he'd never do again (not that he hadn't already by falling in love again) and made plans to propose. Jim was everything to him. He was loving, forgiving and there for him when Leonard needed him the most. Even their occasional fights hadn’t deterred him and he had never been intentionally cruel like Jocelyn. Marriage didn't go right for him the first time around but he was okay with that now. If it had, he wouldn't have found Jim.

 

* * *

 

Leonard was brought to the present by the sound of Scotty’s voice. “Everything's all set doc.” the man said cheerfully as he crossed the room. Leonard glanced up from his spot on the floor. “What?” he asked in brief confusion. Before Scotty said anything else Leonard pushed himself up off the floor. “Right,” he nodded. “The surprise.” Scotty smiled. “Thanks Mr. Scott.” Leonard returned the man’s smile and clapped him on the shoulder.

“Any time doc. If you need anything else ya know where to find me.” Scotty said before leaving Leonard alone to his thoughts and nerves once again.

Leonard checked the time and realized Jim would be finishing his shift soon. He had forty minutes to shower, shave and set up the final touches. He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. “I can do this.” he decided. With his mind made up he left the room.

* * *

_You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure each side, just I have treasured our life together._

**Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook (The Notebook, #1)**

 

“So, what's the surprise Bones?” Jim asked excitedly as they entered the rec room.

"You'll find out in a minute” Leonard replied as calmly as his nerves would allow. He led the other man to the middle of the room where a blanket lay spread out on the floor. Jim gave him a questioning look as Leonard gestured for the him to take a seat but sat down nonetheless.

The moment Leonard sat down next to Jim and ordered the lights dimmed he heard a laugh. “I like the surprise so far.” Jim said as he reached out and searched for Leonard’s face, his eyes not yet adjusted to the dark. When he found it, he placed a hand on either side and turned it towards him before leaning in and kissing him. It was a brief, chaste kiss. The next kiss began the same but quickly deepened as Jim tried to lick his way into his lover’s mouth. Heat quickly rose in Leonard and he responded to Jim without hesitation, easily parting his lips. His hands found Jim's arms and pulled him closer.

Leonard had planned on some kissing before showing his lover his surprise and only kissing but Jim had other ideas. Leonard bit back a groan when Jim straddled his lap and ground his hips against his own. “Jim” he said against the younger man’s mouth, trying to push him back a bit.

“Bones” Jim replied huskily. His lips brushed against Leonard’s own before he slid them down to his neck to lick and suck the length of it. His fingers dug into his friend's shirt and he wriggled in his lap, trying to get as close to the other man as he could.

Leonard couldn’t help letting the next groan escape his lips as Jim’s eager hips continued to rock against him. He used all his willpower to grab Jim's sides to try to still those hips. “Jim” he said, louder than before but more lustfully than intended too.

Jim seemed to not notice he was being pushed away and mistook Leonard’s plea because he didn't stop. He moved the neckline of his lover’s shirt out of the way and slid his mouth down his neck to taste the newly exposed skin.

Leonard’s mind and body were at war with each other. His mind wanted to stop this, at least for now, and show Jim the surprise. His body, feeling the hard press of Jim’s erection against him, his own hardening arousal and the warm, wet mouth on his burning skin told his mind to shut up, return Jim’s eagerness and let the surprise wait. He couldn't stop that little voice though and his mind won in the end. He moved his hands from Jim's hips, grabbed his arms and pushed him back, just enough to look at him. “Wait Jim” he said as firmly as he could.

Jim stared at Leonard in confusion, even as the other man’s grip loosened. After a moment, before Leonard had chance to say anything, he smiled softly and leaned in to whisper in his ear. “Sorry babe, I wasn't thinking.” His mouth moved back to Leonard’s neck and nipped it lightly. His hips slowly began moving again.

Leonard knew coherent thought wasn't his strong suit at the moment but was pretty sure he still wouldn't know what Jim was apologizing for if it was. He groaned as Jim ground exceptionally hard against him, whether he groaned out of frustration or arousal Leonard didn't know. “Jim” he said, louder, trying to get his lover’s attention once more and once more his voice came out huskier than intended. “Leonard” Jim moaned out as he worked strong hands under his lover’s shirt. Leonard felt Jim’s warm breath in his ear and he shivered.

"That's what he had been apologizing for." Leonard thought. He had asked Jim, some time ago, to use his given name when they were intimate. He didn't mind being called Bones some times during those moments but there was something about hearing his given name from the man who used it so rarely that got him going. “No, Jim,” he said firmly the first chance he got. He held on to his lover’s arms tightly to still them and met his eyes. “It's not that.” Seeing the confusion and hint of hurt in Jim’s eyes Leonard quickly added; “Thank you for remembering. We'll continue soon, there's just, something I want to show you first.” Jim said nothing but cocked his head to the side curiously. “Turn around.” Leonard ordered softly.

Jim laughed as he turned in the older man’s lap. The lust he had felt earlier was fading to be replaced by intrigue at Leonard’s odd behavior. “Okay Bones, but I can assure you that the only thing I really want to see I can see better facing the other….direc...tion…” he trailed as he took in the sight before him, it made his breath catch.

Jim hadn't noticed before (too focused on other things) but the dimly-lit room was covered in hundreds of little lights resembling stars. Stars that were arranged to form the terran constellations Jim knew so well twinkled around them. Though he saw stars daily he still felt a little magic in the moment and he smiled happily. Then his attention was drawn to the cluster of stars directly in front of them. Two simple words were formed among those ones instead of their usual pattern; Marry Me. His mouth fell open as the words repeated themselves in his head over and over.

To say Jim was shocked would be a understatement. They had talked about marriage. Bones didn't want to get married again and Jim was alright with that (even if a small part of him felt saddened by the fact, he had never wanted to marry before Bones). He understood his friend’s reasons and made peace with it, as long as they were together he was happy. Now, Bones was asking him to do the very thing he said he never would and Jim didn't know what to say or do. He wanted to answer, to say something but the only thing that came from his mouth was a strange squeak.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprised by the question Leonard asked him, Jim takes a moment to reflect on their time together.

Chapter 2:

 _“Marry me”_ the words echoed in Jim’s mind. His pulse began racing again but for an entirely different reason than before. He wiped his suddenly sweaty palms against his pants. His mouth was dry as he tried the words on his tongue, saying them aloud but hardly loud enough to be called a whisper. "Marry me". _“No,”_ Jim thought, shaking his head. He must be seeing things or dreaming. Leonard wasn't actually asking Jim to marry him. _“Something’s not right, Bones doesn't want to get married again.”_ He told me  himself. _“I asked him if he would ever consider it, he said no. The memories from the first one were too painful”_. Jim’s brows furrowed as he continued to stare at the ‘sky’ and he felt the arms around him loosen their grip. _“Could Bones have changed his mind?”_ Jim wanted that,  _“But why did Bones change his mind? It's not just because I want it?”_ He felt confused. _“Do I still want it ?”_ His mind drifted as he tried to make sense of the situation.

* * *

Boarding the shuttle that day Jim was only thinking about about one thing; how he was going to prove his point. The one thing turned to two as he watched a rather stern looking woman argue with a rugged, wild-eyed man. As that man sat down in the only available seat (next to him) he did his best to pacify him as he rambled on about all the ways they were bound to die. Jim had never been nervous about flying until that very moment. However, after Leonard McCoy (his name turned out to be) shared his booze with him, Jim thought maybe the guy wasn't that bad. Maybe, he could use a friend as much as Jim.

Jim and Leonard became fast friends. It alarmed Jim a little. He never had a relationship like the one he had with Leonard. He had had friendships, of course, when he was young (before everything) but he never had anyone he could depend on like he did Leonard. There was no one he trusted more.

* * *

“I know you're probably surprised.” Jim was brought back to the present by Leonard’s voice. He turned the best he could in his spot between Leonard’s bent legs and met the other man's eyes. They were soft and loving in the dim light, yet, there was a frown on his face. The frown left quickly though as he cupped Jim’s slightly stubbled face. “But I've been doing a lot of thinking since we last talked about this.” He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Opening his eyes Leonard met Jim’s. “I love you Jim. I love you in a way I've never loved anyone else before. You're everything to me and I realize” he paused for another moment. “I'm never going to want anyone else, ever.”

The sincerity in the other man's voice made Jim’s heart ache. He felt tears well up at the corners of his eyes. He wanted to say something, anything, but he just couldn't find his voice yet. Instead, more memories flooded his mind and reminded him how they made it to this point.

* * *

 _There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment._  
**Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever**

Jim decided long ago he wasn't going to give his heart to anyone. He wasn't going to risk it, wasn’t going to risk falling in love. Love made you think someone cared for you. It gave you hope and trust and when you thought you couldn't be happier, everything was ripped away. People who supposedly loved you left and all you were left with was a feeling that you simply weren't worth the trouble. No, he wouldn't do that to himself. He wouldn't let anyone else do that to him either, he wouldn't let anyone get that close again. So, when he began feeling something for Leonard that felt vaguely how he imagined love would feel, he fought against it with every fiber of his being. Jim, however, did admit he felt an attraction to his best friend pretty early on. He had found men attractive before so it wasn't surprising when he began to notice his friend's broad shoulders, lean body and the amazing hazel eyes, full lips and strong chin that made up a handsome face. What had been surprising (or maybe not all that surprising, looking back) was when that small attraction changed into want, desire.

It happened early into their second year at the Academy. They had gone to a club together, as they tended to on the weekends, (when they weren't at the bars or the occasional party). Jim had tried to convince Leonard to dance, as he usually did. That night had been different though, Leonard had said yes.

Leonard had learned quickly and turned out to be very good. It wasn't long before the two of them had been moving together as if it were a natural thing.

Jim remembered the loud thumping music, the heat of bodies around them, the smell in the air; sweat, alcohol and something that was distinctly his friend. Their bodies had been so close; his and Leonard’s, pressing and grinding together in a way that hadn't been right for bodies that belonged to two people who were just friends.

Jim remembered fighting against the arousal, turning his hips away, angling himself oddly just to try to prevent anything awkward. But, there had been alcohol and it clouded his judgment so he didn't let go of his friend right away. He took his time, enjoying the moment. However, no amount of drink could make him believe that his friend would appreciate him grinding his growing erection against his ass. So, when he couldn't fight it any longer, he had dashed to the bathroom and jerked-off.

Something had happened that night and after it Jim couldn't stop thinking about his friend, inappropriately. He tried, he really did. Some of the time he succeeded, for short  moments. When he couldn't stop, Jim resorted to quick, cold showers, burying himself in his studies or (when he had the time) he found some pretty thing to hook up with. By the end of that year, he thought maybe he just needed to be with a guy, just once. Maybe that was all he needed to clear his mind.

Jim had been attracted to men before, he just never tried to hook up with one, mostly because it was easier for him to find a woman. The thought of dating a man, because of the newness, made him more than a little nervous but he had been determined.

Early in their third year Jim found an attractive second year, (Kevin, Kris, Keith? Maybe Steve? he couldn't remember), brought him dinner, and they went to the guy's room after. Things moved along nicely, and Jim had found himself getting aroused surprisingly quick. When things really heated up and clothes began being removed the other guy groaned out “Damn Jim, so good, oh yeah”. Jim, when he should have cried the guy’s name, Jim cried out “Oh fuck, yeah, that's it, Bones”. Needless to say, the night ended shortly after that. Kevin or Keith or whatever pushed him away in disgust, “Bones?!” he had nearly shouted. “That's what you call your doctor friend, isn't it!” It had been more of a statement than a question so Jim hadn't bothered trying to deny it. He had buttoned and zipped his pants, gathered his shirt, belt, shoes, and threatened bodily harm on his way out the door if anyone found out what happened. To his knowledge, no one ever did.

Latet that year Jim realized he couldn't ignore how strong his feelings for Leonard had become, that they went beyond attraction. In the back of his mind Jim knew what those feelings were too but he still  refused to say it aloud. He was convinced that Leonard couldn’t possibly feel the same way.

Things happened after that and life got too busy to worry about his feelings. Jim easily managed to ignore them for some time, even early on once they were aboard the Enterprise. Eventually though, they caught back up to him and he knew he could no longer continue his; reject them before they hurt you, lifestyle. He put a lot of thought into how and what to tell Leonard.

It turned out that all Jim’s worry had been unnecessary. Leonard had returned his feelings and had held back from saying anything for much of the same reasons as him.

* * *

  _I'm in love with you," he said quietly._

_"Augustus," I said._

_"I am," he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. "I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.”_  
**John Green, The Fault in Our Stars**

The first time they made love had been after a not-quite date back at the hotel many of the Enterprise crew had been staying at during a rare leave. It had began hot and heavy, with hands grasping whatever they could, moans that sounded loud and lewd even to their ears and bodies pressing so close to one another it would have been hard to find an inch in between them.

The need had been so overwhelming at the time that they both had feared they'd come in their jeans like teenage boys. So, they had slowed things down. The realization that neither of them had had sex with another man then dawned on them.

What began as needy, frenzied making out that caused the door in Jim’s suite to rattle and nearly turned into sex against said door, transformed into slow, tender, slightly awkward, and altogether perfect sex in the bed. Jim cried afterwards. He wasn't fond of admitting it, but it had been the first time sex actually had meant something to him, other than relief and release.

Jim had smiled sweetly at Leonard after coming down from his climax, kissed him chastely as he pulled out of Jim’s sated body and laid at his side. He turned then, his back to Leonard, and let the tears stream silently down. They had cleaned up some time later without words and when both of them settled again Leonard wrapped his arms tightly around Jim until they fell asleep.

By the time morning came, Jim had to say it. As they sat next to each other on the side of the bed Jim whispered the words. “I'm in love with you.” His tone sounded disbelieving, he had been surprised he had managed to say it aloud. He didn't fear saying those words anymore, this was a long time coming, but it had been shocking nonetheless.

Leonard glanced curiously at his lover from next to him on the bed as he finished slipping on his shoes. He was unsure if, hoping, he heard him right. “Jim?” he questioned, nervously.

“I love you.” Jim repeated the words with a strange laugh, staring straight ahead at nothing in particular. He didn't know what else to do. He had never said that out loud before, never wanted to. It felt strange and exciting at same time and, despite the build up in his head, he still felt awed that he was actually saying it to someone.

Leonard’s eyes narrowed, puzzled. He felt mixed emotions. He was surprised Jim said the words first and so soon after things changed between them, they technically only had one date. His heart soared to hear them because he felt the same but at the same time, he felt confused and a little hurt because he wasn't sure what the hell Jim found so funny. He really looked at his friend and wondered if Jim even noticed he was in the room with him. He was startled when Jim suddenly turned towards him, grabbed his biceps and laughed again, the sound was almost wild.

“I love you Bones.” Jim managed to say seriously when the laughter died down. Leonard opened his mouth to say something but he was interrupted. “You don't get it, do you?” Jim shook his head but didn't wait for his friend to speak up. “I've never said that before,” he paused a moment. “Well, I have, but not since I was a kid.” he laughed again but this time it was soft, nothing like before.

A moment, the time it took for Jim’s words to truly sink in, had passed after his confession before Leonard admitted that he returned his feelings. When he did, it had been one of the happiest moments in Jim’s life.

* * *

The memories caused Jim to smile as settled back into his earlier position. Of course he still wanted to marry Bones, he decided. Who else did he trust and love more? Who else would put up with Jim’s crazy stunts? They rarely fough and even their worst arguments seemed to get settled quickly enough. He remembered one in particular. 

_I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best._

**Marilyn Monroe**

Jim turned his head away from his lover. “Just go.” he said, dejected.

“It will be one week Jim” Leonard replied with a frustrated sigh. He slid a hand along Jim’s cheek but the other man refused to look at him.

“Yeah” Jim crossed his arms across his chest, defensively. He knew he was being childish but he couldn't find it in himself to care.

Leonard shook his head and pulled his hand away. He didn't understand his lover’s reaction. He'd gone on away missions plenty of times without Jim and those could be dangerous so why get so upset over a medical conference at the next star base? “What's the matter? “ he asked quietly, nearly pleading, trying his best to be patient. 

Jim wasn't sure what triggered it but he felt the long since healed wounds opening. It wasn't that Leonard was going to gone for over a week or that he was going alone, it was the fact that Leonard had volunteered. Jim hadn't made the decision as captain. Leonard's presence hadn't been requested. No, he had heard about the conference and what the main topic of discussion was and thought he could offer some valuable insight. He was right, of course, and with their current heading, the Enterprise would be passing said Starbase. Jim knew he was overreacting, but that wasn't enough to stop him from feeling how he did. It also wasn't enough to stop the words from leaving his mouth. “Just leave," he said, sadly. " you're good at that.” 

“I'm not sure what you're so upset about and…” Leonard had begun before the words Jim said registered. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean? “ he snapped, his eyes glued to Jim's.

Jim didn't turn from his lover's gaze. He wanted to apologize, to take the words back, and that's what his mind screamed at him to do, but his mouth worked on it's own. “You left them. “ His tone was even, matter-of-factly, and cold. He didn't need to explain who he meant by ‘them’.

Leonard’s eyes narrowed and gaze turned dark. He felt anger rising in him at Jim’s accusations. He tried to temper it, he knew of his lover’s past and the fears that still lingered, but that remark hit below the belt. He spoke as calmly as he could manage, “You know as well as I do that wasn't my choice.” Before he could be interrupted Leonard continued, his tone hardened. “And don't you dare suggest that I'm leaving you." He watched Jim silently collapse onto the sofa near him. "In case you forgot," he said, voice raised and Jim jump slightly because of it. "I fought death for you!" He stepped closer to his lover and dropped to his knees, not wanting to loom over the other man and send the wrong message. Leonard reached out, placed a hand on his lover’s knee, held eye contact and spoke clearly, softer than before. "There's no way in hell I'm leaving you now". When Jim glanced up Leonard leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. 

By the time Leonard left, after plenty of reassurance from Jim’s very patient partner, he felt better about the whole thing. First chance the two had after he got back they celebrated Leonard’s return. Anyone else might have assumed he'd been gone a year instead of a week. 

* * *

  _I didn't want to fall in love, not at all, but at some point you smiled and holy shit I blew it._  
**~Unknown**

“Hey, kid,” Leonard spoke up nervously, breaking Jim out of his trance. “You don't have to say yes,” Jim cringed as he heard the crack in his lover’s voice. “But it'd be nice if you gave me an answer darlin’.”

It took Jim a moment to remember what the question he was supposed to answer was. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. _“Marriage, Bones was asking me to marry him and I haven't answered, crap”_ Jim remined himself as he turned once more in the other man’s arms.

“Jim?” Leonard questioned again.

To know his friend, doctor, advisor, and lover was telling Jim that he was worth the risk  that came with marrying again caused his eyes to burn with tears. “Yes” Jim answered, barely above a whisper. Of course the answer was yes. No one ever made Jim feel the way Leonard did, and no one, no one ever looked at Jim the way Leonard did, like he was everything.

Jim turned completely in his friend’s lap, straddling it. He cupped his face with his hands.“Yes” he repeated, louder and with a nod of his his head. “God yes Bones!” he replied again, excitedly, before surging forward and capturing Leonard’s lips in a rough kiss, knocking him backwards to the ground.

Leonard laughed into their kiss, a mix of relief and joy. When Jim sat back to look at him he spoke his fear. "You had me worried for a moment."

Jim smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, like you said, I was a little surprised. "

Leonard nodded once, thoughtfully, and took a minute to study his lover. " I was thinking" he spoke up, his accent thick. "maybe we could celebrate." He rocked his hips up so his intention was clear. 

Jim’s eyes closed and he groaned quietly. His smile was sly when he reopened them. He leaned forward for a kiss but Leonard stopped him with a hand on his mouth. "I don't have the room for much longer, we should head to our quarters". Jim nodded his agreement. 

Before either man had a chance to move they heard the door open. Their heads shot up to the young ensign who had entered and remained in her spot just beyond the door. "Afternoon ensign Jacobs." Jim said, as professionally as possible. He wanted to laugh, the picture they must make to her. The Enterprise's captain straddling the lap of it's CMO, both slightly disheveled and probably flushed.

The woman didn't move an inch other than a nod of her head in greeting. She managed a weak "Afternoon captain, doctor", her cheeks were stained with a blush.

Jim got to his feet and held out a hand for Leonard to take. They both made their way to the exit. Excitement tapped down the embarrassment he felt some but wasn't sure about his lover. Neither said a word as they left the room.

Once they were in the hallway and the door was closed, Jim laughed. "It's not like most people don't already know we're together." He reasoned as he gaged the other man's reaction. Leonard glared at him as if the situation was his fault before walking away. "Hey!" Jim called after him. "That wasn't my fault." Jim jogged to catch up to the other man. "We're still going to celebrate, aren't we? " he questioned, hoping the moment hadn't been ruined completely. 

Leonard eyed Jim from his side, the frown on his lips lasted only a few seconds before a smirk replaced it. Without a word he reached out, grabbed Jim’s hand and quickened his pace.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Finished, finally! It took longer than I thought for a few reasons, sorry. The thing is that I had the first half and ending of chapter 2 done ages ago, it was some parts in the middle that just wouldn't come together. Anyway, I hope you all like it. Constructive criticism and comments are welcome. 
> 
> For anyone waiting for me to finish stories I have up on Fanfiction.net, I have not forgotten about them. I will finish them. I'm working off my phone right now and have trouble posting there for whatever reason. I have "We could be friends" almost finished and might post the whole thing on AO3 if nothing else.


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